Need a Speech?

In the early 80s I wrote a paper with the then Dean of the School of General and Continuing Studies at Old Dominion University, Robert DeBard. We titled it “Bringing High Generic Communication to Our Profession”. What brought this about for the irreverent two of us was being bored senseless by esoteric presentations at conferences where people would wax on an on with their dry academese. (I remember one NUCEA conference where so many in the large evening were restless wanting the talking to end that people at the banquet tables began silently tying their table napkins together forming a huge chain around the room. We were the generation for whom the expressions hyperactive children and attention deficit disorders first came into play.)

Bob and I were in such a deep state of ennui that we decided we might mimic all these speeches and prepare something generic to save folks a lot of time writing their verbiage. Here’s what we came up with:

For some time now, it has bothered the authors that we in the continuing education profession do not always preach as we practice. We pride ourselves in our grasp of efficient programming operations, economical budgeting practice and being on the cutting edge of technological advancement in education. When it comes to communicating through presentations at professional meetings, however, we still tend to think that Socrates can be an instructive point of reference. We aim to clear up this misconception and, in so doing, offer a formula guaranteed to carry our fellow professionals through any presentation with a minimum of effort and no loss in the substance we have come to expect.

Given the relatively limited number of subjects discussed, truths advanced, and words buzzed, we feel it would be a simple enough task to computerize our presentations while we are going about data processing our C.E.U. records. Readers are encouraged to input and otherwise interface with this formula since we have been assured that any microchip can handle as much verbiage as we could espouse. It is hoped that the development of such a generic presentation will be first utilized at our National Conference before being incorporated into teleconferences and, of course, eventually immortalized though the video disc.

It is realized that any singular presentation would be dismissed as merely cynical, lacking true applicability to the various audiences actually trying to assimilate some meaning. Not to worry- we have incorporated the three main professional types in continuing education according to geographic regions, otherwise identified here as Type A, Type B, and of course, Type C. The file identification and secret access code for Type A is Midwest Speech, Type B is East Coast Speech, and Type C is West Coast Speech. All one would have to do is logon with the desired password and the following would appear:



CONTINUING EDUCATION UNIFORM SYSTEM

Enter Batch I.D. N U C E A (New Universal Communication Edition Access)

I.D. Number M I D W E S T S P E E C H (See “A”)
E A S T C O A S T S P E E C H (See “B”)
W E S T C O A S T S P E E C H (See “C”)

I (A. am humbled by this opportunity; B. accept the challenge, C. want to cut right to the heart of the matter) to (A. discuss with my colleagues; B. bounce some ideas off my fellow professionals; C. dialogue the potentialities with people) who (A. are committed to excellence in opportunity; B. are on the cutting edge; C. are on the fast track). Today we find ourselves (A. part of the wave of the future; B. at the crossroads, C. under the gun) to (A. Produce a quality of life equal to none we have known before; B. design an agenda that makes a difference; C. get off the pot).

We all know that the essential issue facing our profession is (A. the integrity of our mission, B. our ability to seize the initiative; C. making productivity our accountability). But we also know that we cannot realize this objective without
(A. linkages, B. networking; C. coalitions). Pooling our (A. experiential perspectives;
B. common interests; C. limited resources) will allow us to better (A. meet the needs of our constituencies; B. become the focal point for our publics; C. get a handle on the market). It is a well known fact that we are responsible for generating (A. a positive variance between revenues and expenditures; B. cost effective programming innovations; C. synergy). We must be concerned with (A. indirect cost recovery; B. administrative overhead; C. getting the biggest bang for the buck). This is simply (A. our mission to be realized; B. our accountability to be met; C. the bottom line).

But fear not my fellow professionals. We must take (A. heart; B. command; C. the bull by the horns). It is clear that (A. educational needs: B. historical trends; C. demographics) are on our side. We must be willing to (A. try creative problem solving; B. run our ideas up the flagpole; C. conduct market analysis) in order to (A. fulfill our promises; B. realize our potential; C. tap the critical mass). Our conflict resolution does not really come down to (A. professional cartels versus professional administration; B. centralization versus decentralization; C. winners versus losers). Rather it is the challenge of (A. equitable distribution of resources; B. placing responsibility with authority; C. balancing the budget.) that will result in our (A. self-actualization; B. fulfillment of destiny; C. survival).

Let us give our faculty their due. After all, they are (A. committed to excellence; B. guardians of the legacy; C. tenured for life). Together we can move forward; if we stay apart we will (A. go down with the ship; B. lose our unique franchise; C. get written out of the budget). If we are willing to build a rapport with the faculty, they will come to realize our (A. contribution to the integrity of the mission; B. collegiality of mutual self interest; C. willingness to handle the scut work). It makes no sense to have to constantly (A. worry about conflict resolution; B go the mat; C. play hard ball). This simply results in (A. alienation; B. burnout; C. job searches for continuing educators).

The time has come for us to put petty (A. differences; B. jealousies; C. turf questions) behind us. Our goal should be to (A. forge a new partnership; B. develop an infrastructure; C. clear up reporting lines). This will facilitate the answering of the basic question of our profession:

How can we best serve the nontraditional learners?
What does adult learning theory really mean?
Who’s on first?

yawn

Below is actually our first attempt to prepare an "educational/all-occasional speech).  Feel free to use either of these if you are in a bind to come up with something quickly.  With either one you are sure to "silence" your audience.

An Educational/All-Occasional Speech

I was invited to speak with you today about the (decline, standards, objectives) of the (regional, multi-disciplinary, regulatory) (policymakers, impact, central agency) effecting most of us in our (operations, consortia, responsibilities).  There is no question that we are at a (turning point, cutting edge, the midst of) a (thrust, mission, concerted effort) where it is going to be necessary to apply (hands on, ongoing, specific) (techniques, analysis, direct involvement).  The key to any success will be the result of (flexibility, dialogue, funding) that is (pragmatic, directive, creditable).  The (quality, legislation, goals) of such a program must be (appropriate, systematic, practical).  (Networking, Getting people together who have never met before, Teambuilding) will enable us to serve our (constituencies, divergent groups, associations) and establish a(n) (approach, minimal standards, credentials) to make the (advancements, reductions, applications) we need to make if we are to (survive, grow, maintain).  (Demographic, Cost-effective, Bottom-line) (data, resources, criteria) are the (elements, focal points,  implications) of our (pilot study, model, evaluation) that have led to these (perspectives, clarifications, interpretations).  (Limited resources, Bias, Job performance) has caused (burnout, time management, accrediting) problems.  During the (planning stages, early days, watershed period) we have experienced (a shifting, cooperation, red tape) and the (contracts, party line, burden) have/has been (centralized, academic, state-wide).  The (relevance, significance, essence) of this entire matter rest with (administrators, our colleagues, the citizenry) who will determine if what we have done is more than (our predecessors, they expected, rhetoric).  Together we can rise to this occasion.

Applause.